In the storm and fire of the life that has been my very existence. I am shattering the walls down, looking for light and awareness that I have never really known until now. I am gleaming in the thoughts of truth and beauty which bestows us all. I am here, I am more present than ever and ready to grow.
I have been working with someone and joined a group that has been quite beneficial to my life already. For the first time in like 20 years I would say. I am learning how to adequately BREATHE. It may go back even further that I did not breathe the “right” way. Learning to meditate has presented some challenges for me as I have trouble quieting my mind. I am however becoming more present and being the observer at times instead of the obsessive thinker. I find myself always being directed back to thought though, and I hope with time that will get better. I am a seeker of truth and I know we all have our own truth but coming from the background I did , it was not really celebrated to dance in your own essence or feel significance for just being… I think so many parents are struggling right now. I remember catching myself doing things when my daughter was little that were the very things I hated as a child. I didn’t want to fall into that trap of repeating patterns. We all do it to a point, but I think when you become conscious of what your doing it makes it a lot easier to make changes. One pattern I want to talk about specifically today is the pattern of pregnancy. When I got pregnant 12.5 years ago with my daughter. I would not say I was a very conscious or aware being. I was still struggling with the loss of my father. He passed when I was 17. I had a lot issues from my teenage years and the family soap operas we all get into. I was really not very evolved and just going through the motions of life. Unfortunately I have done that for a lot more years than I would like to take credit for. With that said, I thought like most young girls that I was ready to have a baby. Honestly I was not “ready” for a baby because I was still struggling with who I was and even though I would sweep it under the rug for months at a time. There was still a huge part of me that knew I was not where I needed to be emotionally. I married quickly. I jumped in head first with very little water in the pool, and here I was expecting a little one. I consumed a very bad diet. I was 25 when I got pregnant and still eating the fast foods, the restaurant foods and deserts a lot. I was still consuming dairy, struggling with ulcerative colitis flares on meds, and trying to work at a job I really had little passion for on night shift no less. It was a rough time, and you think “I am pregnant I can eat as much as I want and whatever I want”. I look back now and I honestly don’t know how I survived working nights my whole pregnancy. I was never a night shift kind of person. I was always in bed by 10 up by 6 or 7 in the morning. That is more my rhythm even to this day. I had no practice for relaxation back then at all. No yoga was being done or form or exercise. I was in survival mode always grinding to the job and the bills. Then my marriage was not peaches and cream. I married too quickly and didn’t take the time to really get to know him and as I said I really didn’t know myself. I look at my “story” here and my example and I also evaluate a lot of young girls today that are getting married and having children immediately. It is an unconscious pattern that we somehow think that child is going to fulfill the voids that we most of the time are unconscious to. We feel that child is going to fill the void in our marriage, make it all okay because we will be so busy taking care of them that we will no longer have to focus on the short comings of our spouses. We believe that baby will make our spouse act “better” or “love us more.” Well for those of you who have been in those shoes you know that having that sweet child only exacerbates the issues in the marriage and the lack of communication that was happening even before you gave birth. I learned that first hand as I struggled with a lot of stress during that pregnancy that I wish I would not have had to. I am no longer bitter or really sad about it, because it was what I had to learn and I learned the lessons and my daughter was born.
I had Hannah my daughter right at 34 weeks. I had a terrible “cold” or “sinus infection” and I remember going to McDonald’s that morning and sitting on the couch to eat my “healthy” biscuit and I thought I was urinating on myself. I called my mom and of course mothers know everything right? ha, and she was like you are not urinating on yourself you need to go to the doctor. So I went that afternoon and he used the litmus paper and checked for amniotic fluid which is what it was. I remember my doctor looking up at me and saying “what have you been doing???. On that day March 14, 2006 I was 33 weeks still, so I was unable to be delivered in the town I lived in, I had to go to Vanderbilt in Nashville. I did fall two nights prior trying to step over a bag of garbage in the garage. It may have contributed to the water breaking, or perhaps the infection that I had. Regardless there I went in the ambulance on the way to hospital. To make a long story short I had to be induced and receive the Pitocin. I had an epidural as well and was in labor for what seemed like forever. I recall them giving me stadol another strong ass drug that didn’t help much with the pain but sure buzzed my head. I had her in the evening on March 15. She was born 4 pounds 14 ounces, very low blood sugar, elevated biliruben levels, very low muscle tone, didn’t really cry. This began a 5 month journey and a multitude of tests of trying to figure out “why.” Hannah had no desire to eat, she had to be tube fed, then eventually at 10 months she got a mic key button. She never cried to eat, or when she was wet even. The stress was unimaginable. I kept thinking what did I do? I thought I was relatively healthy?, how could I have a baby with so many problems.Why me??? The doctors to this day couldn’t answer why she never cried to eat. I am assuming now because of the pituitary gland. They blamed it on milk protein allergy, reflux, etc. They involved genetics around 5 months of age and they determined she had Mosaic Turner Syndrome. Hannah was extremely sensitive to any protein/milk based formulas, Even the formulas that were “broken down” more they did not suffice long term. Eventually she was put on a formula called elecare. I don’t know if they still make it now because I’m rather removed from the baby world, but it was broken down to amino acids they said. Now knowing what I have learned today about milk protein I see why that worked better. Babies already have these immature little livers and digestive systems and we pump them full of proteins. Not good in my opinion. I breast-fed or pumped rather for about 4 months and then had a lot of milk saved up. She was never able to latch on and breastfeed. I see why even my milk wasn’t the most optimal choice by the diet that I was consuming. I live with regret for the way I ate and not understanding how detrimental it was to her vitality and health. She grew out of many things by the time she was 3 and began to eat pretty well. She is still a very sensitive soul with a very large mind and heart. I’m blessed to have her and for how far she has come but I wish I had give her a better start!
I wanted to share some of my story there as really inspiration to those who are expecting or those who want to have children. I see so many children being brought into the world Unconsciously. What I mean by that is, there is no preparation for the child mentally or physically. Sometimes the children aren’t even wanted. We have to start being smarter and understanding how much the actions and the diets we consume have an impact on the health and wellbeing of our future children. We have to get off the processed foods, the artificial sweeteners, the cokes, alcohol, cigarettes, even a lot of the cooked foods in order to really cleanse our systems. We have to start consuming more fruits and vegtables organic if possible. I do believe that the children take on the mothers lymphatic system and sometimes even weaknesses in certain vital organs. Think about the young children today being born with tumors. How sad, yet perhaps there is something we could have done to prevent this by being more conscious of how we ate and how we took care of our own bodies. A lot of women are not really able in this society to rest as they need when they are pregnant. They are working full-time jobs and eating poorly. This all takes a toll. I think that has to change now in order for us to be able to bring healthy life into this life. Think of energy as something that is not ever destroyed but able to be transformed and moved around. We transfer the unhappiness, the stress, the fear that we have onto these babies without even knowing it. I admire people that are stepping away from the whole health care system when having a child. They are having their children at home with a midwife. They are able to be in a loving calm environment opposed to a cold, germ filled place with several people buzzing around. They are being born without the use of epidurals and pharmaceutical drugs. They recover better and faster, and the baby is more alert and vibrant. I have heard Dan the life regenerator speak on having “super babies” and it can take up to 7 years perhaps for both partners to really work on rebuilding their systems and cleansing out the toxins before conceiving a child. I know the average person is not going to do 7 years, but even 6 months to a year of regenerative detoxification would be beneficial before deciding to have a baby. The consciousness today is, “well I take a prenatal” and eat whatever I want. That is just not working for us. Does it help? sure a vitamin helps, but it is not going to cleanse out the toxins from your body and make your vessel clean to help birth a soul into this world. I see it very clearly now and as I mentioned I live with a bit of regret with how I treated my own body before and during pregnancy. If I have another child in the future, I would definitely do things another way and I just want to share this and if it resonates with you awesome. I believe we have to heal this earth and one way to start doing that is with our own physical bodies we have been given. We have to step away from the old paradigm that unfortunately is just not working any longer. This world needs Healthy children because they are the future of this earth. If you feel isolated on this topic and like you don’t really understand what you could do to attain a healthy pregnancy. The internet is a huge library right at your convencience. Check out Dan the life regenerators videos, Dr. Robert Morse, Teal Swan, Ellen Fishers videos she is raising three beautiful children full of light and you can see it in their eyes,Megan Moon, Earthy Andy, and there are more people on instagram and youtube that have a wealth of information on how to take care of you and your children better!!
Thanks for reading.