Holding on..

I’m tired tonight, mostly stricken with the excess stimulation of the day. I spent the day with Hannah and though I enjoy being with her to the fullest, there are times I feel I need a break. I need a break for myself to heal. I need a break for my mind to unwind, I need a break for me to feel something more than just what is around me. I need to escape to a foreign land where the sand is beneath my feet and the salty water is cleansing my body and seeping deeply into my soul. I need that peace. I long for it.

9E8B3E05-DB27-43E9-8AB7-657BA91CD005

I have dreamt of moving to Hawaii for a long time. I hope the day comes that moving somewhere tropical will be a reality for me.  The other night I actually had a very vivid dream about it. I want to share it I guess because it has been on my mind. I am not a person who usually remembers my dreams very often. I have a friend that has the most amazing dreams all the time. Im a bit jealous and if your reading this you know who you are haha. Anyways, in this dream it was as if I could feel everything so intensely. I was swimming in the ocean and it was a beautiful hue of light blue. I was going along where there was a bridge and the bridge was at the same level about as the water. The water was just washing over the bridge and me. All of a sudden a really large wave came and I had to hold my breath. You know how you feel when you are holding your breath and you feel like you just can’t anymore even for another second. I felt that so vividly. As the water kept going over my head I was holding and holding and holding.. then finally I took a breath and It was nothing short of a beautiful freeing feeling. Looking back at the dream it’s in a way how I live my life here lately. I feel that there are so many things I aspire to do, or places I want to go, but I’m always holding. I’m always making an exuse. I always have a reason why I can’t go, or can’t buy something. I can’t move because of so many reasons I have created in my head. I’m just basically on hold. For those who know me, like really know me. I am an Aries all the way. Aries don’t really care for being “on hold.”  When I think back to my younger self. I didn’t let my mind get in the way so much. I wouldn’t call myself impulsive, but I was able to see something I wanted and just go for it. The hesitation wasn’t there. As many of you probably feel and know. Life seems to teach us this hesitation. It comes from past trauma, past hurts, mistakes, pain, etc. It teaches us unfortunately not to trust our own inner voice. Our inner voice is the key to our progression I feel. So many of us, including myself run sometimes from that voice or just completely ignore it. That is almost as bad as self sabotage. I want to be more like the younger version of Kristen. The girl that knew what she wanted and didn’t have to question. She followed the passion that was in her and made a choice regardless of the outcomes. That girl has made some big mistakes, but she also has some attributes to be proud of. I purchased my first home at the age of 23. I started working weekend shifts as a nurse to make more money and decided that I needed a house. I have owned 3 more homes since that time. There are days when life isn’t treating me so well that I wish I could crawl back to that little first house, but unfortunately thats not how the game works. I long for progression, so much so that it causes me pain to be not moving forward. I want to live in the present moment as well, but also know when its time for a shift. I love my home that Im currently in, but If I am going to stay in Nashville longer, I am being drawn to the downtown area. I love East Nashville. I love the Green Hills area, neither of which affording is going to be easy or school placement for Hannah. I however feel somehow I can make it work if I choose to. Hannah and I have stumbled across the best coffee shop downtown. It’s called CREMA. I love it. Its amazing coffee and it just makes us happy to go there on the weekends when time permits. The drive however gets old. We love Wild Cow, and several other places down there. It Would just be nice to be 10 minutes away from something instead of a good 30 with hellish traffic. 

Thats one thing I’ve been dealing with, and the other is my health. This blog is tailored toward my health and discussing health in general. I feel that I should be authentic in discussing whatever is going on with me that I feel like shareing. In September/October my colon started declining toward a flare. I was really pissed and bummed about it. In some ways I feel I contributed to it with all the stress I was going through at the time. I was really pondering trying to do travel nursing and moving away. With my child and animals it just wasn’t the right time and during the whole process of investigating it and traveling to see a place I was interested in. It hit me that it wasn’t where I wanted to be. It was Seattle. We went there for a vacation, but it was also to see if we vibed with it and unfortunately we just did not. To summarize why it wouldn’t work, I will just say I love the Sunshine a lot and it was so gloomy there. I didn’t like the pace or the costly concrete jungle it presented.  So I came back home feeling almost like a failure. I had gotten my hopes up that this is what I wanted. Hannah felt she would like it as well, but we just didn’t’. Sometimes we can paint an amazing picture in our heads of what we think something is like , but in reality it is totally different. Live and learn. My colon just apparently didn’t’ deal well with all the emotions I was feeling and here came the flare. I am doing better now, and hope I can keep it in check for a while. I went several months without medicine and was so proud and thankful. I hope to accomplish that again. Even though my colon itself has been doing well. My lower back has not. I have been having lower back pain probably over 2 years now. I have blamed it on several different things, and it has gotten worse and worse. Sadly enough arthritis has set up in my lumbar spine. I had an MRI a couple of weeks ago that showed that. It says it is “mild” which in my mind I think, if this is mild I really hate to see moderate or severe. It is very painful and when I bend and try to roll over even in bed sometimes it hurts like hell. I can’t take NSAIDs often because of my colon. This week I went to see my GI doctor who is going to be retiring in January. I told him all of this and his first response was that I need to see a rheumatology doctor. I of course cringed at the thought of that, because I know the path that will lead to. I told him I would see the doctor, but I would have to be in really bad bad shape before I would consider immuno-suppresive therapies such as Humara or Remicade. I just will not allow myself to go down that road yet if ever. Those medicines are a precursor to a total body demise in my opinion. If anyone is reading this and is on them, I don’t mean to be insulting by any means. Just personally for me it is not the route I will take. I don’t like anything that merely places a bandaid on a big problem. I want to find the source of the problem and fix it. I believe with diet changes and exercise I can help the situation. The human body wants to heal itself. I believe that. I just have to put in the effort and do the work. I am researching and learning more about juicing. Up to this point I have never enjoyed juicing. It is hard for me to get it down, but I feel that in order to heal an ailment we have to cleanse the body fully to be able to fully start absorbing vital nutrients that I am clearly needing. I want to eventually do a juice cleanse and maybe fast some. Many people say that fasting is the secret to healing a lot of diseases. I’m open to new ideas and am ready to start trying to shake things up for myself. Hannah will be 12 in March. I promised her that her birthday present will be a membership to a gym. She has wanted to be able to exercise with her mom since she was 9 years old at a gym. Hopefully we will both be able to go and get in better shape. All of my health issues began 3 months after I stopped playing softball when I was 19 years old. I’m sure the disease process was there but seemed that all the physical activity and the distraction of the games probably helped in some way keep it all at bay. I am strong in many ways. I don’t say that in any egotistical way but in truth. I will prevail through this, and I want this blog to be my proof of my progression. I am human and I will have good and bad days. I will hold my breath through the waves crashing over me, but like in my dream when the wave passes I will rise.

cropped-image3.jpg

 

thanks for reading.