Turning Left..

At a speed so fast she can feel her body moving faster than it ever has in a vehicle almost as if she is one with the car. Approaching up ahead is a fork in the road. The choice is either to stay straight or go left. The only choice for her seems to be to go left.

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Immediately she is going down the steepest hill she has ever been on at a speed that can not be stopped even by hitting the breaks. She is trying so hard to hit the breaks in a state of panic, but the car keeps going faster. She sees the oncoming cars coming toward her and knows it is inevitable she’s going to hit them and she does exactly that .The car is moving through the other cars and flipping and she views it almost as if she is watching from above the wreck happening. She feels nothing but sees it like a movie playing on a screen.  Waking up seeing a police officer and being in the hospital is how it ended but what was the meaning? I have not dreamed a dream so vivid since years ago when I was really sick and had a high fever. I recall moving through a silver sparkly tunnel; just like this dream, but not as fast, my body was moving very swiftly through this tunnel and it kept going and going. I could feel is as if my body was really moving and then it just stopped and I woke up as if I had landed abruptly. Movement seems to be a theme perhaps..

I have been dealing with a lot of stress for the last couple of months and apparently it  caught up. My mom was very sick for two months and thankfully is doing better now.  I considered moving recently and realized that wouldn’t be a good idea this year but all the thought and effort that went into that was enough to send my colitis into an ugly flare. I have so much that needs to be done around my house and I get frustrated because financially I can not do it all at once and just need to be more patient.  I have not had a flare in over a year and a half and have not required any medication during that time. The thought of having to surrender my fight of diet winning over drugs just really got me down. I did however surrender and will take the medication until I am back in remission and continue on with the diet I feel is the best for me. I have to be thankful though for the time I have been able to stay off my medication and know that a lot of irritable bowel disease, crohns, and colitis are affected by the way we think and handle stress. We can eat a perfect clean diet but if our mind isn’t right our immune system feels it. Like many others I don’t always handle stress well and for years have been an internalizer. I feel that whatever we are holding in and can’t effectively work through. It will find a way to come out so to speak in some form of disease, and for me that disease manifests itself in my colon. I don’t write about my business so much because I feel everyone needs to know it,  but If I can help one person who is going through something similar know that they are not alone then I feel that is huge. I know very well what it feels like to be alone. Even when I was married I felt alone. Being alone in the world is a big struggle I feel for a lot of people these days. Everyone needs a support system, a friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, etc. I have been divorced for 8 years now with two failed relationships during that time. So there are days I want to have a pitty party and feel completely sorry for the fact that I have to try to balance it all alone. It gets really old really fast. There is a side of me that after this much time does not mind being alone because that is “easier” at least thats what my ego says. Deep down though I long for a true connection with someone who gets me and can add something to my life as I would theirs. We all want that and sometimes it feels like a dream or a fairy tale life. It is kind of like looking on instagram and you see all the happy people taking photos with their families. It creates this thought that wow they are so blissfully happy and I am 36 years old and still alone. I know that a picture is only a picture and we all have our internal struggles that we don’t disclose to the world or social media for that fact. I just read a blog about this recently how people are so mean to others who have more on social media. I am happy for people who have found happiness, but I would be lying if I denied that I desire happiness as well. Everyone deserves to feel joy!

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My dream indicated to me a feeling of not having control of my life in aspects. I have felt this feeling before and subconsciously buried it. From the time I was a child, I was a pleaser type child. I did whatever was asked of me and did not go against the grain even if I wanted to. Many of us grew up with the kind of parents that used control or perhaps even manipulation to get their children to conform to what they needed them to do. Sadly it was subconscious on their part, just an ingrained family pattern of how they were parented. I was in that boat with no offense to my parents as they made mistakes just as Im sure I make mistakes with my daughter. When your a child and you have little autonomy you grow up into an adult who struggles deeply with making decisions. You question yourself and feel that you will either fail or your too afraid to fail because when you were little if you were “bad” it meant that “you” were bad. If you “failed” you attached the meaning that “YOU” were a “Failure.”  Even though this has been as I said buried in some ways it comes out in my adult life and my closest friends see it.  I have many ideas of the way I would like for my life to go yet I’m terrified to venture out with new ideas. I know that failure is our greatest teacher but that doesn’t make it any easier. Like a quote from someone ( Teal Swan) I have learned a lot from says “If we don’t ever take risks then we will someday arrive at death safely”.  That just sounds really boring to me and regretful.

The girl driving out of control in that vehicle down the steepest hill ever is very much me. In the dream She felt terrified yet when the car crashed no pain, no despair, nothing.. just movement and perhaps liberation.  I need to move and work through the fear. I know that in the end it will all be okay.  Tony Robbins does large seminars on how to teach people to change their state of mind and progress. When we aren’t progressing we feel so stuck and stagnant. The fact that he can fill up an arena with thousands and thousands of people says a lot about the way we have been conditioned to think as a collective society. I want more than anything to be a health coach and perhaps even teach others how to make healthier food options. I want to teach people a better way of thinking and eating. That is a dream I would like to turn into a reality. I’m learning everyday new recipes and really enjoy it. It is always fluid and could change but thats where my interests are currently.  My ability to be able to teach others things about their health comes from the roots of my own suffering and my own paralyzation with my life. I have seen a lot of suffering in my immediate family. My grandmother had Rheumatoid arthritis, my father Cancer, my mother has Lymphoma, and my brother died just a year ago of repercussions of alcohol addiction.  I feel like I’m coming out of a really hard shell that has been stuck to me for years. It has tied me down and made me feel guilt, shame, and fear.  If anyone says family patterns don’t affect us oh yes they do. Just so many of us are not conscious of it yet. After the death of my father at 17, I felt like half a person and a lost person at that for many years.  I am thankful to have a job and have learned a lot as a nurse, but I feel there is more for me and I want to keep exploring my curiosity. This blog helps with that even if one person reads it!  I desire freedom and support if that can coexist in this life. Support that is not conditional just out of  authentic love.  We all struggle with something and we all desire things. I want to attach myself to the something I desire go with it and even if I do crash know that like in the dream, my soul will remain untouched.  Thanks for reading.img_8416

 

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